"whoever touches us, teaches us....."

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Respectfully...


My ex husband died yesterday. We were only married about 7 years and together for about 4 years before that. Add the 3 years we have been divorced and that gives us almost 15 years knowing each other. I loved him once and I think that at one time, he loved me; at least the best that he was capable of. Our relationship started out good, but should have ended before we married. I knew it somewhere deep down inside my heart. But that knowledge was so deep down inside me; every time it tried to surface I shoved it back to the land of ignorance. I wanted it to be, so badly, that I was sure I could fix it all, or at least live with it. I was so ignorant of the responsibilities of marriage. I wanted to be someones wife, to belong with someone, to stand beside someone, to always have someone to come home to. So I ignored my ex husbands shortcomings....I ignored who he was, and in that I disrespected him as a man. My intentions were good, albeit somewhat selfish. And I have no doubt he had good intentions as well. I think he might say the same thing, I think he didn't want to be alone anymore. I have also disrespected him, as most divorced people do, by talking about his evil low down dirty rotten scoundrel lying cheating side. And I am sure he did to me as well. But, he still claims a part of my life, part of my history, and part of who I will be in the future. And I meant you no disrespect Ronnie, I am sorry I didn't let you be you. I am sorry you had to go.
P.S. If you read this, Max misses you so bad.

7 comments:

Phyllis S said...

My heart goes out to you. And to your son.

Vietnam Veterans: Brothers Forever said...

When we are young there are many things we do that we consider to be a mistake after we age. I did not know this man but, like my wife has said many times, everyone leaves their own footprint on this earth. He has left this earth and stepped into eternity. Lets hope he fairs better there than he did here.
All respect to you and your loved one.

Charles Nordan

secret agent woman said...

Ah, I'm sorry. I know for me I always hold a place in my heart for those I've loved, and so I would also grieve to lose an ex.

Day Traveler said...

Like I've said before, I've listened to so many stories about him it's as if I knew him personally. Leading up to his passing, I have felt some anxiety about the possibility of life lost here on earth. Now that he is gone, I do feel sorrowful for him, his family and you. I just hope he had the presence of heart to reach out to the forgiveness that God offers us all. I hope to meet him there someday. Where we can all love freely, forgive openly and be at peace with one another. Though there are negative memories in your mind, try to remember the good things about him too. It will be good for your heart and soul.

The warrior in me said...

Hi. I'm so sorry to hear of the pain you feel. I realize how sharing such a large part of your life, be it even with the worst variety of people, can make you miss them inspite of being blessed to be able to finally lead your life without them. (I've been in that spot for 19 yrs thanks to a lying cheating best friend from kindergarten.) I will surely keep your family in my prayers for the day. Hope you all manage to heal beautifully.

sue said...

I'm so terribly, terribly late in seeing this... I am so sorry for your loss. I am painfully aware of this mix of feelings as my ex-husband is very ill with M.S. right now and the prognosis isn't good. He is the father of my two eldest children and although we were married many, many years ago and divorced after only 5 years, I tried to maintain a good relationship with him for the kids' sakes. I don't know how I'm going to handle it when he's gone. I admire your post very much.

Guerline Lajoie said...

I am fairly young and i feel like I am at the stage where i have to decide to "shove the shortcomings of love to the land of ignorance" or keep trying to make it work...Regardless, no experience is unnecessary i truly believe this and hope for you only the best.