Happy 2008

As 2008 quietly arrives, I remember early 2007; I was just divorced, already dating the wrong person. Wrong because, although he was a nice man, he didn't care about me. Maybe we made each other feel good, we liked the attention we each brought the other, but we didn't care about each other. I met the friend of a lifetime at that point. I met the person I wished others were all through my life. I met the person I always wanted. I met the person who I get up for every morning and whose face is my last thought every night. I met the person who I write these words about. I met the person who I will love every day for the rest of my life, regardless of where he is. I wish you all a blessed New year.

23. That he won't sleep over when my son is home.

Well, my son is 21 years old, I am sure he could handle it. But then again...that would be awkward for everyone. Someone is bound to run into someone in the hall. I want Larry to stay anyway. I want him to stay all the time. I know better, and I know it wouldn't be the best thing, but I want him to be here anyway. Apparently I have no pride. But he will not stay here when my son comes home from school. He does it for me as well as for himself. I guess he has enough respect for all of us, even if I am lacking. Begging didn't work either.

22. He kisses like it was his last ( or first)

The kiss to me is more important than any other part of making love. I am all about the kiss, if it doesn't work, I think its a measure of everything else. I will never forget that first kiss from Larry. Although we had many long conversations, we had actually just met face to face for the first time. He walked a circle around me and before I had a clue what he was doing..he said "lets get the first kiss over with"; and he grabbed me and did just that. I don't know if he did it because he wanted to see if my kisses measured up, or if he was nervous. I will never forget it. I know I didn't give him my best kiss. I was uptight and caught off guard. But I won't ever forget it. He kissed with intensity of someone who thinks it is the last kiss he will ever have. And he kisses that way every time. Every time he kisses me, it stirs my soul just like that first one did. Every time I see him, I feel the same way I did the first time I saw him. I can't wait for that first kiss.

21. That he hasn't lost his faith

Hard times. Everyone has a story. And everyone has a story somewhere in their life that we all "thank God that didn't happen to me". Be it loss of heart or love or family....each devastates its owner. A brothers suicide, a child's illness, the loss of a parent, the loss of a family, a divorce.... We mourn, we cry, we recover. Some move on because time urges them to do so. Some move on for lack of knowing what else to do. Some turn to their faith. That one light remains their flicker of hope. It shines on what is important. It keeps them moving in the right direction, slowly; with the hope that one day the joy in their life will return. Larry wears his solitude like a badge. It is his burden, it is his loss, it is his hope. One by one, they will return to him. In time. I have faith in that.

Happy Holidays to all, and a Blessed New Year !

20 The way he touches me

I have never been a real touchy person. I think that is because I always believed my touch had no effect. I don't know why; being with the wrong person in the past is most likely the cause of that feeling of inadequacy. I always felt like hug, kiss kiss, move on, get it done.....I never really had a person touch me in a way that electrifies my senses. Just a touch , no sex, who would have thought it would bring tears to my eyes. He touches with power. He touches with passion. He touches for no reason other than the sake of touching. The best thing in the world is to be held for no reason, not for sex, not for any reason...just held by someone who wants nothing from you other then to hold you at that moment. To touch you. To touch me.

19 That he offered to go to my office Christmas party

I don't even like my office Christmas party. I work with about 70 people, 60 of whom are women. I go because :

a) I am afraid I will miss something really good, like someone gets drunk and does the gator, or one of my bosses gets photo'd with his tongue somewhere it shouldn't be.

b) I don't want to be the one they talk about...you have to protect yourself by your own presence.

c) Our Christmas bonuses are handed out at the party, I think they do this so we are forced into personally thanking each and every one of the bosses...

But, its free food, albeit the fruitcake of party foods; chicken fingers, artichoke dip and worst of all...CASH bar! I had to pay for the worst wine I ever tasted. It was pink and fruity and tasted like it would have the words berry berry fruit farm and boone on the label.

I do, though, get to dress up, something I love to do but rarely get a chance. I will do almost anything have an excuse to wear high heels, although they come off after about 2 hours of pain. Anyway, Larry so kindly offered to go with me to my party. The party itself is bad enough, but he has never met one soul that I work with. And... knowing that he was just being nice and that I already promised my recently divorced friend I would go with her...he was spared the torture. I know he breathed a sigh of relief when I said he didn't have to. But he offered nevertheless. I wish I had taken him and I wish he had seen me in my pretty high heels. But I love him for offering.

18 That he has beautiful eyes

Larry has the most beautiful eyes. They are clear blue and full of expression. He is a to die for looking man anyway, but those eyes whisper secrets into my mind. True windows to his emotions, I can usually tell his mood instantly by a look through his eyes. They are often sad eyes though. I wish I could have met him when they were eyes that had not suffered loss. I wish I could see those eyes when they fell upon the source of joy and laughter in his life.

17 That he looks damn good in jeans

Well, hey...Larry has followed me to that place that some people unkindly refer to as middle aged. Middle of what, I would like to know. Are they referring to the middle of 3 chins, midline c-section scars, middle of the night trips to pee, middle of the head baldness...what? Some people are able to defy all that gravity; me not being one of them. Larry is lucky like a lot of men, they age so much more gracefully then women. No beer belly on him.... he has no body fat, tight butt and is long and lean. Now, he does have graying hair. His, of course, looks rugged and manly and sophisticated. My lovely grays stand out on my head like one of those searchlights aimed at the sky during a grand opening. They pop up over night, already about 6 inches long. They don't grow any longer; they just remain standing straight up and wiry amongst my otherwise pretty red hair. Thank you lord, that they are pluckable!!! Other than some graying hair, he shows very few age related battle scars. He is a quite handsome man, if I do say so myself. And he still looks soooo good in jeans. Damn good.

16 He braved the annual "The Tree " hunt with me

Larry took me Christmas tree hunting. For some that's not such a big deal. For those like me it requires a xanax or two on the part of everyone involved, a few tears, and a few days of trying to see who can ignore the other the longest. That has been my past experience in Christmas tree shopping. My ex refused to go with me after the second year or so. I went every year thereafter with my sweet son, who patiently humored me with every "its too small, too tall, too skinny, too stupid looking, crooked, fat bottom, not tree shaped enough, and of course too damn expensive" !! He would calmly drop my rejected trees, one after the other, and hoist the next for my hopeful approval. Later we would laugh about it, him not understanding what difference the tree shape makes, and me pretending the trees really were genetically deficient. If it were up to him, he would chose the ugliest, just to be kind to the tree. But this year it fell to Larry, because said son is in college now, Larry is my new favorite man, and he has a truck. We got the perfect tree on the third one he lifted up. I don't think my tree luck was necessarily any better than previous years. I just think the way I look at the trees has changed. I think the way I look at a lot of things has changed.

Softer.

All lit up.